First Love? Maybe.  

Posted by: The Lioness in

Deb: How did we become so broken?

Keith: We fell in love and at some point the people we love forgot to love us back..


"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity.

Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."

--- Ally McBeal

For some weird reason, I happened to stumble on my old blog. As I started reading what I wrote before, I remembered why I never was able to let go of that person.

I love the Lover. Don't get me wrong.

We have the one we can never forget. He was and is that person for me.

It has been 7 years since our fateful encounter. Drat Gossip girl for reminding me about the past.

Recycled post:

Well actually, I think I do miss someone.. It's the matter of regretting what I've done in the past. I was made by myself, to pick between two guys. I picked the wrong one. Whereas the other was just sorta there.. hanging behind the curtains.. without a clue with what was going through my mind. When I realized that I wanted to end up with him.. He disappeared and decided that he couldn't take the drama anymore. When I look back though, I really did want to end up with him. I just picked the other one, cause an incident happened that managed to shake both our households. The only thing was, I was the only one who knew about it.. and he didn't. He didn't know that while I was trying to turn him down, I was crying on the other side of the monitor. He didn't know that while we were sneaking behind everyone's back for our safety, I wanted to cry out to the world that there was something going on with us. He didn't know that I was willing to give my heart and my world to him. He didn't know that because of the differences that we had, those were the ones that tore us apart--tore my heart apart.

  • He doesn't know that up till now, he's still in my heart.

  • He doesn't know that whenever I see him.. whenever I'm in a room with him, I just want things to return back to normal. Him coming towards me with a bottle of orange vodka cruiser in his hand for me, and a smile on his face.

  • He doesn't know how much I wanted to go near him before, when I'd get chips from the bowl and place them in my hand and offer them to him like i usually did before.

  • He doesn't know that I'd always remember rushing out of shakeys galle, making sure if he was really there, and the vision of him running down the escalator.. eating at kfc.. and watching that chinese scary movie.. and him offering to bring me home.

  • He doesn't know that I'd always remember that day that we went out with everyone's knowledge, well, in my side of the family (which is rare..).. him helping me enroll in school--being my support when I was panicking with the stapler.. endlessly looking for a place to eat--and I suggesting places, him, telling me we're going to eat there in the future.. WHICH NEVER HAPPENED..:( and him forcing me to eat with chopsticks, when i seriously wanted to pig out. Us, seeing the people close to us, and them surprised to see us together.. Him, offering to go to mass with me, when I knew he never went to mass.. and lastly him.. bringing me home, waiting for me to come up, and waving at my yaya..

  • He doesn't know, how much I miss those times we'd bring his friend home, and he'd just stop by the gas station or just somewhere so we could kill time and just talk.

  • He doesn't know that until now.. I still sleep with the pillow that he gave me..which probably doesn't mean anything to him.

  • He doesn't know that whenever they try and tease me to him, and my face just shows a "i-don't-care" face is because I'm scared for them to see and him to see how much I'm really feeling inside.He doesn't know how just a simple "Eii.." made my day..

  • He doesn't know how i love drawing him out of his shell..

  • He doesn't know, that until now.. I listen to the song that was played when everyone left us inside this room.. the song that used to be his favorite.. the song that he printed the lyrics of.. the song that he played for me two times in the car.

  • He doesn't know that with those short moments of us playing with their animals.. were moments that were cherished and were never forgotten..

  • He doesn't know that I'd always remember the times he got irritated cause I, a person who only knows how to play monkey in cards ended up beating him in pusoy dos.Ü

  • He doesn't know how I still remember the memories we both shared.

  • He doesn't know about the pain in my heart.

  • He doesn't know how much it hurt to see him then and just acknowledge each other with a nod.. and not even be in the same room.. and avoid each other like a plague..

  • He DOESN'T know that the only reason why I like Ken Zhu in f4 so much.. until now.. is because of Ken looks so much like him.

And the thing is.. He'll never read this.. not now.. not ever.

I miss you.. and I'm not supposed to be feeling this anymore.

I was looking at my notes, and I saw this half-finished poem that I wrote..

I will not fall again.

I will not let myself love more than I can.

I cannot give my heart and have it broken.

I will not let them have the power to make me feel less than I am.

Yeah? Yeah.:(


Funny how I was so vulnerable then. That even till now, I would deny it, but every time I'd see him or even have his name mentioned in my presence, my heart would be hit once again.

Weekly dose of shows.:)  

Posted by: The Lioness in ,

My friends laugh at me since, I'm technically a bum and a half.

I actually have a weekly schedule of shows.

Mondays: Free days
Tuesdays: I have to watch, The Hills, Gossip Girl and Heroes.
Wednesdays: 90210 (Still waiting for the climax here.. not sure if I'll continue it).
Thursdays: America's Next Top Model
Fridays: Grey's Anatomy

Thanks to Baddie, I got addicted to Samurai Girl. Boohoo though. They haven't renewed the series yet.

So, what do you guys watch?:)

I'm not a real critic okay. These are just my opinions on the shows I watched today.:)

First would be, The Hills. I know, there are a lot of people who think the show is pretty lame. Haha. I love the bitching and superficial-ness though. I was a Lauren fan ever since Laguna Beach. Haha. Seriously! I hated Kristin-whatever-her-last-name-is, for stealing Stephen or I don't know, hating Lauren. So I was so happy when The Hills came out. Since I was so busy with Nursing then, I wasn't able to watch it until this year -- all of the seasons actually. Haha.

So my take on Audrina always going back to Justin Bobby? Ugh. She definitely deserves better! However, I totally can relate to her going back to someone that just does something to her heart. For girls, don't we all want someone who makes our heart pitter-patter without even trying at all? I have a certain someone like that. He's definitely not the Lover! Shh! Haha. I don't know, what is it with girls falling for bad boys? This good girl and bad boy chase has gone on for ages! Makes me wonder when did it all start?

As for Heidi and Spencer? Another one for the good girl falling for the bad boy. Well, Spencer is a real A**hole though. I don't know what she sees in him. Ugh. Although, I have to say, it showed that he really cared for his sister earlier in the show. I have to give him kudos for that. Even if I dislike him with a passion.


Honestly, I was totally wishing that Chuck and Blair would just give in to the powers that be. There's really nothing wrong with admitting you love each other. However, if you are Chuck or Blair, that could be a disaster waiting to happen. I was totally tearing up when Chuck surprised Blair at her house and started giving her, "the talk."

I guess I could just relate with the line, "maybe we're not meant to be with each other now." Yikes. Makes me want to dig up past issues and rekindle old flames that asmuchasItry, I cannot forget. Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm happy though that Serena found someone who was remotely interested with her. Also found out that maybe, she wasn't as liked as before. She's the golden girl. She's used to ALWAYSbeing liked, right? Well, maybe she'll be the one who'll chase after someone now.:) Heehee.

Hmmm. Now my last thought would be on Little J. I think she let it get into her head that she's really good. She shouldn't have listened to Agnes. She could've at least talked to Eleanor first and asked what she thought about it. If it was really bad, then that's when she could've said her goodbyes. Honestly, she handled it like a real 16 year old would. Well, she is supposed to be 16, but she was trying to act more maturely than her age. Yikes.

I loved this episode though! Makes me remember why I fell in love with GG!:) Can I just say the soundtrack for this episode was love??:) I'm still searching for the song list, once I find it, I will share it with you all.:)

There's also a reality index, that's sooo funny! You guys should check it out.:)


This one reminded me why Heroes is the show it is now. Oooh, I'm so excited for what's going to happen next! The Petrellis are so twisted! All of them! Hahaha. You have to add Sylar to that as well! However, even if Sylar was a twisted man, I truly believe that he has a heart. CHEESY! I think that he did save Peter's life. Love the new Sylar-- albeit, he gave me nightmares before. Haha. Weird.

Hiro's so.....weak now.:( He used to be my favorite. He's such a cute munchkin! Haha. A totally naive and innocent guy. Well, he has all the qualities of a good person/hero.

Well, everything's getting more twisted. Yes, I was happy that Claire-bear and Elle were starting off to a good start, but ugh, Elle's emotional instability had to ruin it. Goodbye friendship! hahaha.

I have to say, I'd still go with Peter's powers. They're safe enough for me. Hahaha.

Nothing more to say... I guess just ran out of words or thoughts... Weird.


As for my previous post, things are okay. What I wrote was what I was really feeling with the situation at hand. We're trying to get through this stage, and we're not really on the same page. But, this is a relationship, and this tends to happen to the best of us.

Honestly, I'm trying, and he's trying -- together, we can find a cure! Hahaha. Just kidding. Seriously, we're trying to work on it and make our relationship grow from it.

The Lord has His plans, and this has been one of the many lessons he has given me. It's hard, but I am very grateful.:)

Enduring the pain of the drought season.  

Posted by: The Lioness in

I am filled with so much fear and pain. Just like a little kid whose feet are shaking in her booties.

The lyrics of Elephant by Rachel Yamagata, is running through my mind..

"So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.

Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night."

The decision has been made, it has not been easy at all. I haven't really prayed for strength consciously; unconsciously, the prayer is there.

I love my God. I want to live by His rules. I admit, I fall, and I tumble, but I try to get back up again. I know there are reasons why He made these rules. I fear oh Lord, mainly because, by living up to Your rules, I might lose him.

It has not been easy these past couple of months... It has been so hard to go through them, and I feel as if the Lover is slowly slipping away. I've continuously told my friends, that if it happens, it happens--I'll be okay.

I know I will be. However, I fear, it will break my already broken heart into a thousand more pieces.

He has loved me in more ways than I have ever imagined. He treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated. He does have his flaws; he tends to be anti-social at times, whereas, I am not.

The Lord has His ways, and these I must not question. I am just so scared Lord. I am sorry for feeling this, and I am really sorry that I am questioning Your rules. Help me to be stronger. Please guide me continuously. I prayed for Your presence, and now I have You.

I know this should be enough. I'm sorry for wanting more.

I just don't want to lose him. :(


Posted by: The Lioness in , ,

It's one of those days when I just let the day pass and observe the many events that happened, big or small. So, here I am just typing all of the thoughts that hit me this week..

  • Sometimes, I'd think about how certain things can actually be real or not. With the world that we live in, sometimes, you wonder if things are still as real as they can get around you. Look at how ironic that is, when I choose to hide under a pseudonym. One thing is, a little girl inside me is still wishing to be exposed to the truth and realness of life. A place where you don't have to be scared of someone stabbing you in the back.
  • Time flies by so fast, just a minute has passed, and you realize that everything you've been working for is gone. I guess, you can't let certain things stop you. You just have to go on. Be brave, be strong. Jon Christos in Jubilate Dominum, couldn't have said it any better; "Be brave my wondering soul! Courage is what sets us free."
  • I recently found out that a couple who I thought were so perfect for each other were having really bad problems. It's painful for me, because the girl involved, is my bestfriend. Apparently, her boyfriend who will leave in a few weeks to take an exam, could possibly be married still. How do you deal with things like that? Friends who really do care are in an uproar, but seriously, as if we can actually do something about that. At the end of the day, it's their business. I just can't help but wish better things for my friend.
  • Still irritated with my cousin who seems to be holier-art-thou, but it can be true I think. Ugh. Hating it when she becomes insensitive.
  • My piggy has just been given a nice, clean bath.:) He smells so good, and makes his fellow piggys, pink with envy!:)
  • Still contemplating if I will participate with the church group's activity this weekend.
  • Is lost in translation--still.:/
  • Was struck by this quote from Bishop Martirez, of Christ the King Parish Green Meadows, "Coincidences are miracles where God chooses to remain anonymous."
  • Is still shaking in my boots after the Lover's dad saw me smoking and holding a cigarette. Yipes.
  • Misses the Lover, and somehow paranoia isn't really helping. What's with those certain type of girls who'd still try and entice a guy who's taken? What if they end up with someone they love, how do they deal if their man was stolen?
  • Last note, I'm not gay, but I loved the message of this video. So sharing it to you guys, and hope that it helps you open your mind on how normal the LGBT community is.:)

Zombie mode  

Posted by: The Lioness in

For the past months, unknown to my family, I've been falling asleep at precisely 7 am in the morning.

I cannot seem to sleep at the usual time. I try, but I toss and turn to no end.

My body is only reacting now, and I can feel how my age is affecting me. Where do I go from here? I totally insist that I am not bordering on mental issues. Although, I must honestly say, the emotional instability present in my family's genes has come out to materialize in me.


Take me out of this abyss, help me find my solace.

At this point, I'm searching for answers, and I know He plans to give them at a later time than I wished for.


Blood is thicker than water.  

Posted by: The Lioness in

We all go through our familial problems every now and then. Questions that start with the, "4 w's and h," are often heard of during these times.

Sometimes, I just want to roar like the lioness that I am and make them stop. Who am I kidding? My family won't listen to me.

Case in point, my cousin. Now I love her to pieces, she's like a sister to me. However, as the years went by, along with the years of playing, "Tatay, Nanay, gusto ko ng tinapay..." Our relationship has slowly found it's way under the icy waters of the arctic deep. Don't get me wrong, I haven't done anything at all. In fact, I was the one who pushed her to be more of an extrovert, rather than an introvert. Gone were the days when she'd insist I should hang out with her friends, who became my closest friends in the process and was with them 24/7. Nowadays, I'd just find out that these friends hung out, and would ask why I wasn't there. Well, the cousin intentionally didn't tell me. So I just sit there dumbfounded, and puzzled how this happened. It takes a lot of effort to talk to her, let her know what's new with my life, and ask her about hers. Usually, it's just one word answer, that totally defeats the purpose. Makes me wonder, where did this come from? I'd rather not confront her, because, I'm just really tired with all of this.

Another is my aunt. Now, I'm absolutely clueless as to why she puts out all of her past-teenage-angst-of-yesteryears on me. She's sour-graping on how my grandparents treated her, treated my aunt and my mom. Take note, she says, that she wasn't really looked at with favor. I get that it happens to the most perfect of families, but seriously, put it all out on your niece? I get that she has to be responsible for me, or she needs to look out for me, but insult me and laugh about me in public. One more time for the dumbfounded and dumbstruck lioness.


I wish I could go on and on, but time's running out. So many errands, and yet so little time for them to be done.

The Lioness can't escape.  

Posted by: The Lioness in

Once again, I'm back to my old roots.

I've blogged here, there and everywhere, ever since I was the tender age of 17. Of course I won't tell you how old I am. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Feel free to guess, but I assure you, I will never tell.

I choose to hide under a pseudonym--for it entails a more mysterious way for people getting into my brain. Tired of the all, "She said what?" or, "She talked about who?" and the never ending question, "Why do you have to talk about us?" Believe me, I'm no gossip girl, and I choose to just write about my thoughts.

I may commit grammar errors, feel free to correct me. If I do so, then I am sorry. I often undergo selective amnesia, and tend to mix my idioms, words and so on. What an abomination, others may say. To that, I simply greet them with a sweet roar, and tell them to go f*ck off and find other blogs to read.:)

For those who I dearly love and trust, they know who the lioness is. Don't try to ask, because it simply won't help. Their trust goes along the lines of friendship, and it has been ever present since the day we were friends.

Why Lioness? A lioness stands by her man, abhors the idea of having to share the Pride with others, and just cannot do anything about it. Well, it's like asking why Muslims must have more than one wife. I assure you, I'm not Muslim. Har har har. A lioness must run in packs, for it eases her soul. She must have a family and cubs to care for her own. A lioness fits the idiom, "Behind every powerful man is a strong woman."

Now, I bid a hello to all of you and hopes that somehow, somewhere, you will find the time to read and share what you think.:)