First Love? Maybe.  

Posted by: The Lioness in

Deb: How did we become so broken?

Keith: We fell in love and at some point the people we love forgot to love us back..


"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity.

Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."

--- Ally McBeal

For some weird reason, I happened to stumble on my old blog. As I started reading what I wrote before, I remembered why I never was able to let go of that person.

I love the Lover. Don't get me wrong.

We have the one we can never forget. He was and is that person for me.

It has been 7 years since our fateful encounter. Drat Gossip girl for reminding me about the past.

Recycled post:

Well actually, I think I do miss someone.. It's the matter of regretting what I've done in the past. I was made by myself, to pick between two guys. I picked the wrong one. Whereas the other was just sorta there.. hanging behind the curtains.. without a clue with what was going through my mind. When I realized that I wanted to end up with him.. He disappeared and decided that he couldn't take the drama anymore. When I look back though, I really did want to end up with him. I just picked the other one, cause an incident happened that managed to shake both our households. The only thing was, I was the only one who knew about it.. and he didn't. He didn't know that while I was trying to turn him down, I was crying on the other side of the monitor. He didn't know that while we were sneaking behind everyone's back for our safety, I wanted to cry out to the world that there was something going on with us. He didn't know that I was willing to give my heart and my world to him. He didn't know that because of the differences that we had, those were the ones that tore us apart--tore my heart apart.

  • He doesn't know that up till now, he's still in my heart.

  • He doesn't know that whenever I see him.. whenever I'm in a room with him, I just want things to return back to normal. Him coming towards me with a bottle of orange vodka cruiser in his hand for me, and a smile on his face.

  • He doesn't know how much I wanted to go near him before, when I'd get chips from the bowl and place them in my hand and offer them to him like i usually did before.

  • He doesn't know that I'd always remember rushing out of shakeys galle, making sure if he was really there, and the vision of him running down the escalator.. eating at kfc.. and watching that chinese scary movie.. and him offering to bring me home.

  • He doesn't know that I'd always remember that day that we went out with everyone's knowledge, well, in my side of the family (which is rare..).. him helping me enroll in school--being my support when I was panicking with the stapler.. endlessly looking for a place to eat--and I suggesting places, him, telling me we're going to eat there in the future.. WHICH NEVER HAPPENED..:( and him forcing me to eat with chopsticks, when i seriously wanted to pig out. Us, seeing the people close to us, and them surprised to see us together.. Him, offering to go to mass with me, when I knew he never went to mass.. and lastly him.. bringing me home, waiting for me to come up, and waving at my yaya..

  • He doesn't know, how much I miss those times we'd bring his friend home, and he'd just stop by the gas station or just somewhere so we could kill time and just talk.

  • He doesn't know that until now.. I still sleep with the pillow that he gave me..which probably doesn't mean anything to him.

  • He doesn't know that whenever they try and tease me to him, and my face just shows a "i-don't-care" face is because I'm scared for them to see and him to see how much I'm really feeling inside.He doesn't know how just a simple "Eii.." made my day..

  • He doesn't know how i love drawing him out of his shell..

  • He doesn't know, that until now.. I listen to the song that was played when everyone left us inside this room.. the song that used to be his favorite.. the song that he printed the lyrics of.. the song that he played for me two times in the car.

  • He doesn't know that with those short moments of us playing with their animals.. were moments that were cherished and were never forgotten..

  • He doesn't know that I'd always remember the times he got irritated cause I, a person who only knows how to play monkey in cards ended up beating him in pusoy dos.Ü

  • He doesn't know how I still remember the memories we both shared.

  • He doesn't know about the pain in my heart.

  • He doesn't know how much it hurt to see him then and just acknowledge each other with a nod.. and not even be in the same room.. and avoid each other like a plague..

  • He DOESN'T know that the only reason why I like Ken Zhu in f4 so much.. until now.. is because of Ken looks so much like him.

And the thing is.. He'll never read this.. not now.. not ever.

I miss you.. and I'm not supposed to be feeling this anymore.

I was looking at my notes, and I saw this half-finished poem that I wrote..

I will not fall again.

I will not let myself love more than I can.

I cannot give my heart and have it broken.

I will not let them have the power to make me feel less than I am.

Yeah? Yeah.:(


Funny how I was so vulnerable then. That even till now, I would deny it, but every time I'd see him or even have his name mentioned in my presence, my heart would be hit once again.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 29, 2008 and is filed under . You can leave a response and follow any responses to this entry through the Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) .


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