I stand on top of everything, and for a moment, I just want to breathe everything in and get caught in the spectacle of it all.

Somehow, I have no idea how everything will turn out. Don't we all? I just can't help but wish that everything will be okay.

Love could or would probably conquer all... Is life enough for that?

For the past few weeks, I have been trying to put my thoughts into this little haven of mine. However, due to the stress and worries my days were filled with, I opted for rest instead. Sometimes, I don't know how I still breathe evenly and smile.

Now, it's a new year, and just like everyone, I believe in a new start.

Ironically, 2008 was supposed to be the year (according to my Chinese astrology) that would create a good outcomes if I were careful. So, like everyone else, I was very happy to face the new year. I decided to give the profession I studied for in college, another try. I also found myself in a relationship, wherein things were the way I hoped for them to be. Honestly, I really felt like I was Susie Sunshine-- it was finally my place under the sun.

I was wrong. In the middle of the year, I found myself experiencing something women are never supposed to go through. I learned how to distrust men, even close friends, because of one guy who I knew since I was in high school. My career path was going nowhere. I thought, it couldn't be any worse, right? Until last December, 3 members of my family were having health problems. It didn't help also that as the lover and I reached our monumental first year anniversary, we ended up getting into a big fight, and almost broke up.

Don't get me wrong, the year certainly has brought good things also. We were blessed with the first niece and great-grand-daughter for my grandmother in my mom's clan. I was blessed with an even stronger faith. I became even stronger in an emotional aspect, and I learned how I could be a better person.

I know this year could be bad, it also could be good. Besides, in a few more months, I will be reaching the 25th year mark of my life. I'm more prepared now for things that could or could not happen.

Instead of wishing for things out of reach, or even making resolutions that I never do, I'll just live day by day, doing the best that I can absolutely do for me, and everyone around me. No more wishing for gargantuan amounts of happiness, inspiration, luck, or whatever. What matters is that I was able to produce little by little things that have more worth for me.

The best thing to definitely keep me inspired is to remember the many things that I've been blessed with. I'm grateful and thankful for a mom, that despite the distance, has never made me doubt her love or feel less loved. I'm blessed with a cousin that loves me, and cares for me, for the angel that I am, and the devil that I could be. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I call my friends who have never failed in supporting me, filling me with positive things and loving me. I'm thankful for having a lover who has stood by me through a tumultuous year and at the end of the day still loves me. Most of all, I was blessed to have the best kind of love. The kind of love that makes me fear and want more love to offer to our Heavenly Father. I was blessed to have gotten to know Him early on, and a curiosity to know Him even more.

Truly, with all these things, who am I to be not inspired?

How do you deal?

It's been a blurry couple of weeks. Although everything is doing well with love, things are falling apart with my life direction and family. It just doesn't seem to help that the women I've grown up with and regarded as one of the many pillars in my life (due to the lack of parental presence throughout the latter part of my teenage years till now) seem to be just human after all.

....I guess, it comes in each and everyone's lives when death just manages to pinch and remind you, of how fleeting life is.

I maybe over-exaggerating a bit, but this is how I cope.. Unlike my family, where wearing your heart on your sleeve is looked upon with disdain, I embrace it. Somehow, I feel more human in doing so.

Before I left for a vacation to one of the beautiful islands of the Philippines, I knew that the health of my grandmother and aunt were a bit rocky. For as long as I know, my grandmother has been afflicted with arthritis . Nevertheless, she never tires of nitpicking and asking how my life is doing. She cackles just like how a witch would and also has that high-pitched shriek to boot. My cousins and I, would just laugh about it and shrug it off. Since she's the remaining grandparent that I have, I always try to go out of my way and just be there for her. Since she laughs and talks more whenever the lover's around, I always make it a point that she sees him constantly. Everyone makes a joke on how Mama is, and well, we just shrug it off at the end of the day. So, yes, sometimes we take her for granted.

Now, she's no longer the strong grandmother who can be oh-so-annoying and loud most of the time. Now, all she does is lie on her bed, sleep and listen to the tv. You don't even hear her high-pitch shriek, her cackles nor does she even entertain the lover anymore. Why? Because it pains her for us to see her like this. She's in so much pain that you can hear just how painful it is in her voice.

I know it's coming, and I can say, it's about time. She's been missing my grandfather for oh so long. She's seen us be the grown-ups that we are now, and even some of the cousins getting married. She's lived a long and strong life. I just don't know how to be prepared for it when it comes. I guess, I'm wishing that she didn't have to go through the pain that she's experiencing now. Selfish, I know, but I really want to hear her laugh again; tell me again about the many suitors that she had; how she met Papa and eventually had a family with him AGAIN.

As for my aunts, the ones who I get to talk to the most were found with masses in their breasts. One was diagnosed with stage 2 Cancer, and I know that there's still a chance. The family's been trying to deal with it as strongly as we can. My aunt's a fighter. She's so funny, and lovable, that out of all my aunts, the lover loves her the best. She's a true spitfire who wouldn't be scared to tell you off. However, I saw her mellow down when she met the doctor. I'm praying that there will be no chance of that devil coming back. I know that she can get through this.

The other aunt had a test done last week. Strange enough, a mass was seen and it was announced today. The doctor said that it could possibly be benign, but a biopsy will still be done. Because this aunt has no children, I've become her pseudo-child. I've planned to accompany her to the hospital, later this week.

Yes, I'm freaking out. Where do you find things like these? Only in dramas and soap operas do these things happen. However, I'm used to having a life that seems so weird and feels like it is an actual drama. There's a movie that's on the tip of my tongue, ugh, but I cannot remember it at all.

How do you deal? I've only really cried once, I feel like I'm about to burst. However, my heart goes out to my cousins, they're under more strain than I certainly am.

Lord, let your will be done.