How do you deal?

It's been a blurry couple of weeks. Although everything is doing well with love, things are falling apart with my life direction and family. It just doesn't seem to help that the women I've grown up with and regarded as one of the many pillars in my life (due to the lack of parental presence throughout the latter part of my teenage years till now) seem to be just human after all.

....I guess, it comes in each and everyone's lives when death just manages to pinch and remind you, of how fleeting life is.

I maybe over-exaggerating a bit, but this is how I cope.. Unlike my family, where wearing your heart on your sleeve is looked upon with disdain, I embrace it. Somehow, I feel more human in doing so.

Before I left for a vacation to one of the beautiful islands of the Philippines, I knew that the health of my grandmother and aunt were a bit rocky. For as long as I know, my grandmother has been afflicted with arthritis . Nevertheless, she never tires of nitpicking and asking how my life is doing. She cackles just like how a witch would and also has that high-pitched shriek to boot. My cousins and I, would just laugh about it and shrug it off. Since she's the remaining grandparent that I have, I always try to go out of my way and just be there for her. Since she laughs and talks more whenever the lover's around, I always make it a point that she sees him constantly. Everyone makes a joke on how Mama is, and well, we just shrug it off at the end of the day. So, yes, sometimes we take her for granted.

Now, she's no longer the strong grandmother who can be oh-so-annoying and loud most of the time. Now, all she does is lie on her bed, sleep and listen to the tv. You don't even hear her high-pitch shriek, her cackles nor does she even entertain the lover anymore. Why? Because it pains her for us to see her like this. She's in so much pain that you can hear just how painful it is in her voice.

I know it's coming, and I can say, it's about time. She's been missing my grandfather for oh so long. She's seen us be the grown-ups that we are now, and even some of the cousins getting married. She's lived a long and strong life. I just don't know how to be prepared for it when it comes. I guess, I'm wishing that she didn't have to go through the pain that she's experiencing now. Selfish, I know, but I really want to hear her laugh again; tell me again about the many suitors that she had; how she met Papa and eventually had a family with him AGAIN.

As for my aunts, the ones who I get to talk to the most were found with masses in their breasts. One was diagnosed with stage 2 Cancer, and I know that there's still a chance. The family's been trying to deal with it as strongly as we can. My aunt's a fighter. She's so funny, and lovable, that out of all my aunts, the lover loves her the best. She's a true spitfire who wouldn't be scared to tell you off. However, I saw her mellow down when she met the doctor. I'm praying that there will be no chance of that devil coming back. I know that she can get through this.

The other aunt had a test done last week. Strange enough, a mass was seen and it was announced today. The doctor said that it could possibly be benign, but a biopsy will still be done. Because this aunt has no children, I've become her pseudo-child. I've planned to accompany her to the hospital, later this week.

Yes, I'm freaking out. Where do you find things like these? Only in dramas and soap operas do these things happen. However, I'm used to having a life that seems so weird and feels like it is an actual drama. There's a movie that's on the tip of my tongue, ugh, but I cannot remember it at all.

How do you deal? I've only really cried once, I feel like I'm about to burst. However, my heart goes out to my cousins, they're under more strain than I certainly am.

Lord, let your will be done.

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I am proud that I am a Catholic.

I don't call myself an, "Educated Catholic," mainly because I still need to go through further studies with the faith. Just because I graduated from college, have a degree that makes a difference in people's lives and experienced in the realities of life, doesn't mean that I'm an, "Educated Catholic." I'm mainly an educated person.

I'm so irritated with how they say that, "EDUCATED CATHOLICS," are actually for it. When in truth, these so-called, "Educated Catholics," are considered educated because they have studied in s0 and so colleges. Whatever.

For a person to be "FOR" the RH bill, have you seen both sides of the coin? I've met people who are for and against it. I've met someone who's so passionate for it, and realized at the end of the day that she was actually wrong. To be a woman and for you to be for it, is really sad and scary. I respect what other people believe in when it comes to that bill. However, I believe that you have to study both sides.

The consequences that the RH bill will do to our country and our individuality says a lot. It's not about poverty or poor women. It's about us. Poverty, poor women, the problem with all of that is Health education and service. The government has not allocated the right resources for public health. As a nurse, I can seriously say that, that is true.

It's not about how the church is trying to meddle it's way in the government, or how the church should be separated from the state... it's how us, as Filipinos, who have been immersed in centuries old of Christian/Catholic values, are affected. It basically leads to having a hand in abortion, the cruelest sin of all. Killing someone is already bad, how about infanticide? I shall not go into detail how contraceptives (one of the main points in the RH Bill) has a hand in abortion. If you want to know, then message me privately.

I just wish that people would actually stop being so ignorant about it, and actually try to study it and listen. There's a reason why the church is so against it and why the Catholic congregation is trying to fight it.

Maybe then, something could be done. And like how the beauty pageant candidates would say how they want, "world peace," can actually happen.:(

It's been a while that I have actually felt that kind of love wherein you feel safe, secured and cherished.

Just like everyone, I've had my share of heartaches--which eventually lead to tears, depression and of course the worst thing that can happen, wishing life would end.

Honestly, when I was fairly young, I always (and I mean ALWAYS) experienced having the upper hand in relationships. I have my US upbringing to thank for, most often than not. I've learned how to love and still reserve almost half of myself, for me. I've learned how to disassociate certain things and love in the fair way. Don't get me wrong, I never treated my ex's bad. I was just too guarded and maybe reserved.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I happened to shed all of that as soon as I stepped on the shores of the Philippines. I regret that a bit. For some weird reason, here in the Philippines, everyone just seems to offer everything when in love. For awhile, I felt really bad that I couldn't actually do that with the guys I ended up dating seriously. Until, I met someone who managed to rock my whole world. There and then, I realized how it was, and how it felt to actually love someone so much--so much that, I ended up giving my whole being to that person. Sad to say, that didn't go well.

Of course, that cliche thing they say that you have to go through it twice was true for me. I think I can truly say that, that's what happened to me.

Then, I met him. The lover was someone I knew then and had no interest at all in. Yes, he was the golden boy that the teachers loved, my friends had a crush on and basically the whole school was enamored with him. What was so different with him was, he wasn't that typical jock that would be seen with a different girl every week. He was that goody-goody poster boy that you could not find a flaw in. He had looks, brains, money and a good upbringing.

I was just interested in the opposite. Hahaha.

Surprisingly, a year ago, we bumped into each other. Sparks definitely flew, and we found ourselves attracted to each other that managed to rock our world. We're still together now. Most of the time, it's the best ride ever, but of course we manage to get on that infamous rollercoaster ride, without meaning to, every now and then.

It's uplifting to say that I love him and I still have something for myself. Gone were the immature stuff where I have to always look over my shoulder and be cautious. We're entirely different in things we love to do, and yet we manage to respect that. I knew I loved him, but after spending a week or so away from him, I never realized that I love him so much.:)

I'm extremely blessed to have someone like him in my life. I seriously pray that this will continue on, and that we will grow together as one.:)

Love has it's ways of reaching out to you and doing wonderful ways. I'm glad this came now. I thought I wasn't ready. However, I realized that just when you're not ready, they come knocking and sweeping you off your feet after all.:)