A lioness' sanctuary

Behold, I am still alive and kicking!

2009-03-23T18:14:00.002+08:00

I, the Lioness, have been quiet for quite sometime, I do admit.

I've shouldered so many things these past few months, and it's only now that I've been able to breathe. Seriously, I can't even believe that we're almost at the end of March.

Work has been extremely busy and how I wish it had a better atmosphere, but that would be such a lie. Who knew that in the presence of women, everything ugly can happen.

Love is still the same, and yes, we're okay, I think.

Weird, just when I felt like blogging, I've lost the appetite for it. Weird.

Till then my loves.:)

Wind.

2009-01-18T22:12:00.002+08:00

I stand on top of everything, and for a moment, I just want to breathe everything in and get caught in the spectacle of it all.

Somehow, I have no idea how everything will turn out. Don't we all? I just can't help but wish that everything will be okay.

Love could or would probably conquer all... Is life enough for that?

Inspiration.

2009-01-01T14:13:00.005+08:00

For the past few weeks, I have been trying to put my thoughts into this little haven of mine. However, due to the stress and worries my days were filled with, I opted for rest instead. Sometimes, I don't know how I still breathe evenly and smile.

Now, it's a new year, and just like everyone, I believe in a new start.

Ironically, 2008 was supposed to be the year (according to my Chinese astrology) that would create a good outcomes if I were careful. So, like everyone else, I was very happy to face the new year. I decided to give the profession I studied for in college, another try. I also found myself in a relationship, wherein things were the way I hoped for them to be. Honestly, I really felt like I was Susie Sunshine-- it was finally my place under the sun.

I was wrong. In the middle of the year, I found myself experiencing something women are never supposed to go through. I learned how to distrust men, even close friends, because of one guy who I knew since I was in high school. My career path was going nowhere. I thought, it couldn't be any worse, right? Until last December, 3 members of my family were having health problems. It didn't help also that as the lover and I reached our monumental first year anniversary, we ended up getting into a big fight, and almost broke up.

Don't get me wrong, the year certainly has brought good things also. We were blessed with the first niece and great-grand-daughter for my grandmother in my mom's clan. I was blessed with an even stronger faith. I became even stronger in an emotional aspect, and I learned how I could be a better person.

I know this year could be bad, it also could be good. Besides, in a few more months, I will be reaching the 25th year mark of my life. I'm more prepared now for things that could or could not happen.

Instead of wishing for things out of reach, or even making resolutions that I never do, I'll just live day by day, doing the best that I can absolutely do for me, and everyone around me. No more wishing for gargantuan amounts of happiness, inspiration, luck, or whatever. What matters is that I was able to produce little by little things that have more worth for me.

The best thing to definitely keep me inspired is to remember the many things that I've been blessed with. I'm grateful and thankful for a mom, that despite the distance, has never made me doubt her love or feel less loved. I'm blessed with a cousin that loves me, and cares for me, for the angel that I am, and the devil that I could be. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I call my friends who have never failed in supporting me, filling me with positive things and loving me. I'm thankful for having a lover who has stood by me through a tumultuous year and at the end of the day still loves me. Most of all, I was blessed to have the best kind of love. The kind of love that makes me fear and want more love to offer to our Heavenly Father. I was blessed to have gotten to know Him early on, and a curiosity to know Him even more.

Truly, with all these things, who am I to be not inspired?

Oh hodgepodge.

2008-12-10T03:01:00.007+08:00

How do you deal?

It's been a blurry couple of weeks. Although everything is doing well with love, things are falling apart with my life direction and family. It just doesn't seem to help that the women I've grown up with and regarded as one of the many pillars in my life (due to the lack of parental presence throughout the latter part of my teenage years till now) seem to be just human after all.

....I guess, it comes in each and everyone's lives when death just manages to pinch and remind you, of how fleeting life is.

I maybe over-exaggerating a bit, but this is how I cope.. Unlike my family, where wearing your heart on your sleeve is looked upon with disdain, I embrace it. Somehow, I feel more human in doing so.

Before I left for a vacation to one of the beautiful islands of the Philippines, I knew that the health of my grandmother and aunt were a bit rocky. For as long as I know, my grandmother has been afflicted with arthritis . Nevertheless, she never tires of nitpicking and asking how my life is doing. She cackles just like how a witch would and also has that high-pitched shriek to boot. My cousins and I, would just laugh about it and shrug it off. Since she's the remaining grandparent that I have, I always try to go out of my way and just be there for her. Since she laughs and talks more whenever the lover's around, I always make it a point that she sees him constantly. Everyone makes a joke on how Mama is, and well, we just shrug it off at the end of the day. So, yes, sometimes we take her for granted.

Now, she's no longer the strong grandmother who can be oh-so-annoying and loud most of the time. Now, all she does is lie on her bed, sleep and listen to the tv. You don't even hear her high-pitch shriek, her cackles nor does she even entertain the lover anymore. Why? Because it pains her for us to see her like this. She's in so much pain that you can hear just how painful it is in her voice.

I know it's coming, and I can say, it's about time. She's been missing my grandfather for oh so long. She's seen us be the grown-ups that we are now, and even some of the cousins getting married. She's lived a long and strong life. I just don't know how to be prepared for it when it comes. I guess, I'm wishing that she didn't have to go through the pain that she's experiencing now. Selfish, I know, but I really want to hear her laugh again; tell me again about the many suitors that she had; how she met Papa and eventually had a family with him AGAIN.

As for my aunts, the ones who I get to talk to the most were found with masses in their breasts. One was diagnosed with stage 2 Cancer, and I know that there's still a chance. The family's been trying to deal with it as strongly as we can. My aunt's a fighter. She's so funny, and lovable, that out of all my aunts, the lover loves her the best. She's a true spitfire who wouldn't be scared to tell you off. However, I saw her mellow down when she met the doctor. I'm praying that there will be no chance of that devil coming back. I know that she can get through this.

The other aunt had a test done last week. Strange enough, a mass was seen and it was announced today. The doctor said that it could possibly be benign, but a biopsy will still be done. Because this aunt has no children, I've become her pseudo-child. I've planned to accompany her to the hospital, later this week.

Yes, I'm freaking out. Where do you find things like these? Only in dramas and soap operas do these things happen. However, I'm used to having a life that seems so weird and feels like it is an actual drama. There's a movie that's on the tip of my tongue, ugh, but I cannot remember it at all.

How do you deal? I've only really cried once, I feel like I'm about to burst. However, my heart goes out to my cousins, they're under more strain than I certainly am.

Lord, let your will be done.

Check out KLM - Fill a Plane - Promote your plane

2008-12-09T15:58:00.001+08:00

Hey guys, check this out.:)

I want you to take a look at : KLM - Fill a Plane - Promote your plane

RH bill? Down with it!!

2008-12-06T04:59:00.000+08:00

I am proud that I am a Catholic.

I don't call myself an, "Educated Catholic," mainly because I still need to go through further studies with the faith. Just because I graduated from college, have a degree that makes a difference in people's lives and experienced in the realities of life, doesn't mean that I'm an, "Educated Catholic." I'm mainly an educated person.

I'm so irritated with how they say that, "EDUCATED CATHOLICS," are actually for it. When in truth, these so-called, "Educated Catholics," are considered educated because they have studied in s0 and so colleges. Whatever.

For a person to be "FOR" the RH bill, have you seen both sides of the coin? I've met people who are for and against it. I've met someone who's so passionate for it, and realized at the end of the day that she was actually wrong. To be a woman and for you to be for it, is really sad and scary. I respect what other people believe in when it comes to that bill. However, I believe that you have to study both sides.

The consequences that the RH bill will do to our country and our individuality says a lot. It's not about poverty or poor women. It's about us. Poverty, poor women, the problem with all of that is Health education and service. The government has not allocated the right resources for public health. As a nurse, I can seriously say that, that is true.

It's not about how the church is trying to meddle it's way in the government, or how the church should be separated from the state... it's how us, as Filipinos, who have been immersed in centuries old of Christian/Catholic values, are affected. It basically leads to having a hand in abortion, the cruelest sin of all. Killing someone is already bad, how about infanticide? I shall not go into detail how contraceptives (one of the main points in the RH Bill) has a hand in abortion. If you want to know, then message me privately.

I just wish that people would actually stop being so ignorant about it, and actually try to study it and listen. There's a reason why the church is so against it and why the Catholic congregation is trying to fight it.

Maybe then, something could be done. And like how the beauty pageant candidates would say how they want, "world peace," can actually happen.:(

Love, Love. Love.

2008-12-06T04:15:00.000+08:00

It's been a while that I have actually felt that kind of love wherein you feel safe, secured and cherished.

Just like everyone, I've had my share of heartaches--which eventually lead to tears, depression and of course the worst thing that can happen, wishing life would end.

Honestly, when I was fairly young, I always (and I mean ALWAYS) experienced having the upper hand in relationships. I have my US upbringing to thank for, most often than not. I've learned how to love and still reserve almost half of myself, for me. I've learned how to disassociate certain things and love in the fair way. Don't get me wrong, I never treated my ex's bad. I was just too guarded and maybe reserved.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I happened to shed all of that as soon as I stepped on the shores of the Philippines. I regret that a bit. For some weird reason, here in the Philippines, everyone just seems to offer everything when in love. For awhile, I felt really bad that I couldn't actually do that with the guys I ended up dating seriously. Until, I met someone who managed to rock my whole world. There and then, I realized how it was, and how it felt to actually love someone so much--so much that, I ended up giving my whole being to that person. Sad to say, that didn't go well.

Of course, that cliche thing they say that you have to go through it twice was true for me. I think I can truly say that, that's what happened to me.

Then, I met him. The lover was someone I knew then and had no interest at all in. Yes, he was the golden boy that the teachers loved, my friends had a crush on and basically the whole school was enamored with him. What was so different with him was, he wasn't that typical jock that would be seen with a different girl every week. He was that goody-goody poster boy that you could not find a flaw in. He had looks, brains, money and a good upbringing.

I was just interested in the opposite. Hahaha.

Surprisingly, a year ago, we bumped into each other. Sparks definitely flew, and we found ourselves attracted to each other that managed to rock our world. We're still together now. Most of the time, it's the best ride ever, but of course we manage to get on that infamous rollercoaster ride, without meaning to, every now and then.

It's uplifting to say that I love him and I still have something for myself. Gone were the immature stuff where I have to always look over my shoulder and be cautious. We're entirely different in things we love to do, and yet we manage to respect that. I knew I loved him, but after spending a week or so away from him, I never realized that I love him so much.:)

I'm extremely blessed to have someone like him in my life. I seriously pray that this will continue on, and that we will grow together as one.:)

Love has it's ways of reaching out to you and doing wonderful ways. I'm glad this came now. I thought I wasn't ready. However, I realized that just when you're not ready, they come knocking and sweeping you off your feet after all.:)

Time certainly flies..

2008-11-23T02:32:00.001+08:00

[LATE POST]
The Lioness just came from a celebration and a goodbye to a friend who is about to get married, and will leave the country thereafter.

Despite the fact that (switch to first person) I, am leaving for a province known for beaches in a few hours, and have postponed the mission to pack; decided to blog for a while and release some thoughts. Admittedly, I have neglected to update and blog what has been the on-goings of my life recently. I just didn't want to feel as if I forced my blogs. I blog when there is inspiration present, I guess.

Inspiration, it is.

The friend has been someone the Lioness has known for over 10 years. She is about the same age as I, and I believe she has been the happiest since I've ever seen her to be. I remember our kiddie days and trust me, she has always been pretty. However, seeing her now, she has truly grown into a lady. Someone who walks into a room and effortlessly lights up a room. She truly fits the expression, "Vavavoom." I remember the days when she was still a bit of a tomboy, and unsure of what she wanted for her future, and sure of what kind of love that she needed.

Now, she is endlessly blooming and filled with so much happiness! It takes more than words to actually describe how so much happiness emanates from her. Yes, the journey is about to start. It will be filled with good and bad things, but how you get through it matters.:) I believe in marriage; I believe in love; and most of all, I believe in the fact that two people who meet at the center of everything and manages to overcome all have certainly more than today to wake up to.:)

I raise my glass of Merlot for the wonderful woman that I've shared tears and laughter with.:) To more shawarmas and more.:)

So, where am I getting at?

[continued now]

I was asking myself the same exact question.

Just a week ago, I couldn't help being excited for this trip. Look at today, it's already Friday. I wrote the first part of this blog last Sunday.

How many did I miss doing? What was I actually able to do? See, there's so many things that I could've, should've done.

But instead of just planning, making up a list and actually trying to be sure if everything was said and done according to plan, I threw it all in the wind.

You gotta live life to the exact moment.

You just don't know when you will be swept off your feet.

I revel in being a modern woman.

2008-11-12T03:08:00.000+08:00

Phew. I daresay, that was a long title!

I just came from a really nice event. Sorry boys, I know you absolutely cannot relate! I think that somehow, some of your kind must abhor thinking about the pleasures and activities of women!

However, some actually celebrate the fact that the Lord blessed you men of our kind.:)

In Belle de Jour, we celebrate what it entirely means to be a woman of modern times. Today, was an eye opener of sorts. Those who have been religiously following the Belle de Jour Power Planner, have been updated with news and events that the company has done, were extremely rewarded tonight.:)

Don't we all love free stuff? The Lioness was astounded with the many gifts Belle de Jour has given to its loyal and devoted fans. See, this is THE RIGHT WAY on how you treat your customers. They must have brainstormed to the point that the juices of their brains have dried up. I have not seen customers so full with information and material stuff since.....well, ever!

Kudos to Darlyn Ty and her friend Trisha Andres for coming up with this beautiful planner!

Take note, this is not a paid blog nor am I a friend who wants to plug to help her friend. I am just one of the loyal customers that have not been disappointed nor forgotten -- not even for a minute! It shows how great this company has been and I daresay, this has been the best planner for the modern woman the Lioness is!:)

Yay for order (in a fun way) in my life and freebies!!

May Belle de Jour continue on! We will support you!:)

Listen and learn before it's too late.

2008-11-06T03:04:00.000+08:00

On a day where fights and confusion filled the air, I have forgotten to listen, learn and observe the many things that I usually pay attention to.

You know how sometimes you can just hear things and not really understand what they mean? When you get scolded or in a fight, people just let everything in one ear and go out in the other. We don't usually understand the what, why and how of those situations. We just let it flow like the wind, unseen, felt and taken for granted.

Do you see how the many languages used in the world, most of them are taken for granted? I remember watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and was struck by what Carmen had to say something about it. She was rehearsing her lines with a fellow actor, and she said something that goes, why don't we talk like this anymore? By this, she meant talking with the Renaissance language, filled with romance and mystery.

Love Sonnet 116


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Have you listened with your eyes and heard with your heart? Now this I might get a beating from the grammar experts. Moments wherein you find yourself relying heavily on the sense of seeing and by merely observing, you catch yourself learning a lot more than you expected. I find myself lost in the meaning, as if someone was singing to me in a foreign language, yet I can still understand it through the feelings it has evoked in me.

Listening is different from hearing. By just hearing, I fail to understand the truth; I fail to see the whole picture. Listening, on the other hand, is like a door that brings to you a lof of mysterious opportunities.

I fear though that I have listened too much and have stumbled on certain information that can either make me or break me. To think that I, myself, thought that I have thrown it all away as the wind passed by my window several years ago.

Happy birthday donkey..

"Louder, louder, and we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand.
Why you can't raise your voice to say?"
- Run by Snow Patrol

The Journey.

2008-11-06T01:53:00.000+08:00

Remember that song by Diana Ross that she sang in Mahogany? "Do you know where you're going to?"

I used to listen to that everyday.

The Lioness has been quiet nowadays. Like how Hiro and Matt (from Heroes.. such a geek!) have gone through their spiritual walk, it somehow feels like I went through the same thing--albeit a little different.

I've said that The Lioness is my alter-ego so many times to online friends. It's a little bit like Beyonce with Sasha Fierce. I just feel that people get affected by The Lioness' thoughts, more so, if they find out that it was me all along. It's better to separate each one from the other.

Have you experienced walking and just literally stopping to smell the roses? Hear the sounds, see the sights, get immersed in the experience of it all. I see everyone passing through me in a fast pace, as they hurry to get their life the way they want. I envy them. They go through it all with little worries and no care at all. They hear it all, and yet they don't let it affect them.

I am the exact opposite. I hear everything, and I try to listen to it more. I let it take me and bring me to new things that I have never experienced before. *It's a one million dollar chance of a lifetime!* Although, I must say, there are times where I let it get to me too much.

It's a boring subject for some when people go and talk about their trip to the wonderful sights of their own lives. However, I'm the exact opposite. I choose to hear their stories, observe and learn from them.

I don't know exactly where my path leads me. All I know right now is that I need all the strength, courage and faith that I can get. I'm tired of being lost, confused and all that emotional crap. It's about time I guess.

It's funny how friends react to how my life could be patterned to a drama. I've experienced a ton of heartaches. I know how it is to be separated from family and be in a family yet still feel as if you're an outsider. I've experienced something a woman must never be a witness and victim to. I know how it is to live a life where everything is a mess and all you can do is but smile. I know how it is to love and fear a God who is ever so loving and understanding.

The path to the future is long and there are a lot of hurdles that can make or break you.

Are you ready for it? Where do you think it will lead you?

First Love? Maybe.

2008-10-29T03:40:00.001+08:00

Deb: How did we become so broken?

Keith: We fell in love and at some point the people we love forgot to love us back..

-ONE TREE HILL

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity.

Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."

--- Ally McBeal

For some weird reason, I happened to stumble on my old blog. As I started reading what I wrote before, I remembered why I never was able to let go of that person.

I love the Lover. Don't get me wrong.

We have the one we can never forget. He was and is that person for me.

It has been 7 years since our fateful encounter. Drat Gossip girl for reminding me about the past.

Recycled post:

Well actually, I think I do miss someone.. It's the matter of regretting what I've done in the past. I was made by myself, to pick between two guys. I picked the wrong one. Whereas the other was just sorta there.. hanging behind the curtains.. without a clue with what was going through my mind. When I realized that I wanted to end up with him.. He disappeared and decided that he couldn't take the drama anymore. When I look back though, I really did want to end up with him. I just picked the other one, cause an incident happened that managed to shake both our households. The only thing was, I was the only one who knew about it.. and he didn't. He didn't know that while I was trying to turn him down, I was crying on the other side of the monitor. He didn't know that while we were sneaking behind everyone's back for our safety, I wanted to cry out to the world that there was something going on with us. He didn't know that I was willing to give my heart and my world to him. He didn't know that because of the differences that we had, those were the ones that tore us apart--tore my heart apart.

He doesn't know that up till now, he's still in my heart.

He doesn't know that whenever I see him.. whenever I'm in a room with him, I just want things to return back to normal. Him coming towards me with a bottle of orange vodka cruiser in his hand for me, and a smile on his face.

He doesn't know how much I wanted to go near him before, when I'd get chips from the bowl and place them in my hand and offer them to him like i usually did before.

He doesn't know that I'd always remember rushing out of shakeys galle, making sure if he was really there, and the vision of him running down the escalator.. eating at kfc.. and watching that chinese scary movie.. and him offering to bring me home.

He doesn't know that I'd always remember that day that we went out with everyone's knowledge, well, in my side of the family (which is rare..).. him helping me enroll in school--being my support when I was panicking with the stapler.. endlessly looking for a place to eat--and I suggesting places, him, telling me we're going to eat there in the future.. WHICH NEVER HAPPENED..:( and him forcing me to eat with chopsticks, when i seriously wanted to pig out. Us, seeing the people close to us, and them surprised to see us together.. Him, offering to go to mass with me, when I knew he never went to mass.. and lastly him.. bringing me home, waiting for me to come up, and waving at my yaya..

He doesn't know, how much I miss those times we'd bring his friend home, and he'd just stop by the gas station or just somewhere so we could kill time and just talk.

He doesn't know that until now.. I still sleep with the pillow that he gave me..which probably doesn't mean anything to him.

He doesn't know that whenever they try and tease me to him, and my face just shows a "i-don't-care" face is because I'm scared for them to see and him to see how much I'm really feeling inside.He doesn't know how just a simple "Eii.." made my day..

He doesn't know how i love drawing him out of his shell..

He doesn't know, that until now.. I listen to the song that was played when everyone left us inside this room.. the song that used to be his favorite.. the song that he printed the lyrics of.. the song that he played for me two times in the car.

He doesn't know that with those short moments of us playing with their animals.. were moments that were cherished and were never forgotten..

He doesn't know that I'd always remember the times he got irritated cause I, a person who only knows how to play monkey in cards ended up beating him in pusoy dos.Ü

He doesn't know how I still remember the memories we both shared.

He doesn't know about the pain in my heart.

He doesn't know how much it hurt to see him then and just acknowledge each other with a nod.. and not even be in the same room.. and avoid each other like a plague..

He DOESN'T know that the only reason why I like Ken Zhu in f4 so much.. until now.. is because of Ken looks so much like him.

And the thing is.. He'll never read this.. not now.. not ever.

I miss you.. and I'm not supposed to be feeling this anymore.

I was looking at my notes, and I saw this half-finished poem that I wrote..

I will not fall again.

I will not let myself love more than I can.

I cannot give my heart and have it broken.

I will not let them have the power to make me feel less than I am.

Yeah? Yeah.:(

---------------------------

Funny how I was so vulnerable then. That even till now, I would deny it, but every time I'd see him or even have his name mentioned in my presence, my heart would be hit once again.

Weekly dose of shows.:)

2008-10-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

My friends laugh at me since, I'm technically a bum and a half.

I actually have a weekly schedule of shows.

Mondays: Free days
Tuesdays: I have to watch, The Hills, Gossip Girl and Heroes.
Wednesdays: 90210 (Still waiting for the climax here.. not sure if I'll continue it).
Thursdays: America's Next Top Model
Fridays: Grey's Anatomy

Thanks to Baddie, I got addicted to Samurai Girl. Boohoo though. They haven't renewed the series yet.

So, what do you guys watch?:)

I'm not a real critic okay. These are just my opinions on the shows I watched today.:)

First would be, The Hills. I know, there are a lot of people who think the show is pretty lame. Haha. I love the bitching and superficial-ness though. I was a Lauren fan ever since Laguna Beach. Haha. Seriously! I hated Kristin-whatever-her-last-name-is, for stealing Stephen or I don't know, hating Lauren. So I was so happy when The Hills came out. Since I was so busy with Nursing then, I wasn't able to watch it until this year -- all of the seasons actually. Haha.

So my take on Audrina always going back to Justin Bobby? Ugh. She definitely deserves better! However, I totally can relate to her going back to someone that just does something to her heart. For girls, don't we all want someone who makes our heart pitter-patter without even trying at all? I have a certain someone like that. He's definitely not the Lover! Shh! Haha. I don't know, what is it with girls falling for bad boys? This good girl and bad boy chase has gone on for ages! Makes me wonder when did it all start?

As for Heidi and Spencer? Another one for the good girl falling for the bad boy. Well, Spencer is a real A**hole though. I don't know what she sees in him. Ugh. Although, I have to say, it showed that he really cared for his sister earlier in the show. I have to give him kudos for that. Even if I dislike him with a passion.

GOSSIP GIRL

Honestly, I was totally wishing that Chuck and Blair would just give in to the powers that be. There's really nothing wrong with admitting you love each other. However, if you are Chuck or Blair, that could be a disaster waiting to happen. I was totally tearing up when Chuck surprised Blair at her house and started giving her, "the talk."

I guess I could just relate with the line, "maybe we're not meant to be with each other now." Yikes. Makes me want to dig up past issues and rekindle old flames that asmuchasItry, I cannot forget. Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm happy though that Serena found someone who was remotely interested with her. Also found out that maybe, she wasn't as liked as before. She's the golden girl. She's used to ALWAYSbeing liked, right? Well, maybe she'll be the one who'll chase after someone now.:) Heehee.

Hmmm. Now my last thought would be on Little J. I think she let it get into her head that she's really good. She shouldn't have listened to Agnes. She could've at least talked to Eleanor first and asked what she thought about it. If it was really bad, then that's when she could've said her goodbyes. Honestly, she handled it like a real 16 year old would. Well, she is supposed to be 16, but she was trying to act more maturely than her age. Yikes.

I loved this episode though! Makes me remember why I fell in love with GG!:) Can I just say the soundtrack for this episode was love??:) I'm still searching for the song list, once I find it, I will share it with you all.:)

There's also a reality index, that's sooo funny! You guys should check it out.:)

HEROES

This one reminded me why Heroes is the show it is now. Oooh, I'm so excited for what's going to happen next! The Petrellis are so twisted! All of them! Hahaha. You have to add Sylar to that as well! However, even if Sylar was a twisted man, I truly believe that he has a heart. CHEESY! I think that he did save Peter's life. Love the new Sylar-- albeit, he gave me nightmares before. Haha. Weird.

Hiro's so.....weak now.:( He used to be my favorite. He's such a cute munchkin! Haha. A totally naive and innocent guy. Well, he has all the qualities of a good person/hero.

Well, everything's getting more twisted. Yes, I was happy that Claire-bear and Elle were starting off to a good start, but ugh, Elle's emotional instability had to ruin it. Goodbye friendship! hahaha.

I have to say, I'd still go with Peter's powers. They're safe enough for me. Hahaha.

Nothing more to say... I guess just ran out of words or thoughts... Weird.

-----------------------------------------

As for my previous post, things are okay. What I wrote was what I was really feeling with the situation at hand. We're trying to get through this stage, and we're not really on the same page. But, this is a relationship, and this tends to happen to the best of us.

Honestly, I'm trying, and he's trying -- together, we can find a cure! Hahaha. Just kidding. Seriously, we're trying to work on it and make our relationship grow from it.

The Lord has His plans, and this has been one of the many lessons he has given me. It's hard, but I am very grateful.:)

Enduring the pain of the drought season.

2008-10-26T03:23:00.000+08:00

I am filled with so much fear and pain. Just like a little kid whose feet are shaking in her booties.

The lyrics of Elephant by Rachel Yamagata, is running through my mind..

"So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.

Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night."

The decision has been made, it has not been easy at all. I haven't really prayed for strength consciously; unconsciously, the prayer is there.

I love my God. I want to live by His rules. I admit, I fall, and I tumble, but I try to get back up again. I know there are reasons why He made these rules. I fear oh Lord, mainly because, by living up to Your rules, I might lose him.

It has not been easy these past couple of months... It has been so hard to go through them, and I feel as if the Lover is slowly slipping away. I've continuously told my friends, that if it happens, it happens--I'll be okay.

I know I will be. However, I fear, it will break my already broken heart into a thousand more pieces.

He has loved me in more ways than I have ever imagined. He treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated. He does have his flaws; he tends to be anti-social at times, whereas, I am not.

The Lord has His ways, and these I must not question. I am just so scared Lord. I am sorry for feeling this, and I am really sorry that I am questioning Your rules. Help me to be stronger. Please guide me continuously. I prayed for Your presence, and now I have You.

I know this should be enough. I'm sorry for wanting more.

I just don't want to lose him. :(

SMORGASBOARD: Round 1.

2008-10-23T18:53:00.000+08:00

It's one of those days when I just let the day pass and observe the many events that happened, big or small. So, here I am just typing all of the thoughts that hit me this week..

Sometimes, I'd think about how certain things can actually be real or not. With the world that we live in, sometimes, you wonder if things are still as real as they can get around you. Look at how ironic that is, when I choose to hide under a pseudonym. One thing is, a little girl inside me is still wishing to be exposed to the truth and realness of life. A place where you don't have to be scared of someone stabbing you in the back.
Time flies by so fast, just a minute has passed, and you realize that everything you've been working for is gone. I guess, you can't let certain things stop you. You just have to go on. Be brave, be strong. Jon Christos in Jubilate Dominum, couldn't have said it any better; "Be brave my wondering soul! Courage is what sets us free."
I recently found out that a couple who I thought were so perfect for each other were having really bad problems. It's painful for me, because the girl involved, is my bestfriend. Apparently, her boyfriend who will leave in a few weeks to take an exam, could possibly be married still. How do you deal with things like that? Friends who really do care are in an uproar, but seriously, as if we can actually do something about that. At the end of the day, it's their business. I just can't help but wish better things for my friend.
Still irritated with my cousin who seems to be holier-art-thou, but it can be true I think. Ugh. Hating it when she becomes insensitive.
My piggy has just been given a nice, clean bath.:) He smells so good, and makes his fellow piggys, pink with envy!:)
Still contemplating if I will participate with the church group's activity this weekend.
Is lost in translation--still.:/
Was struck by this quote from Bishop Martirez, of Christ the King Parish Green Meadows, "Coincidences are miracles where God chooses to remain anonymous."
Is still shaking in my boots after the Lover's dad saw me smoking and holding a cigarette. Yipes.
Misses the Lover, and somehow paranoia isn't really helping. What's with those certain type of girls who'd still try and entice a guy who's taken? What if they end up with someone they love, how do they deal if their man was stolen?
Last note, I'm not gay, but I loved the message of this video. So sharing it to you guys, and hope that it helps you open your mind on how normal the LGBT community is.:)

Zombie mode

2008-10-20T07:20:00.000+08:00

For the past months, unknown to my family, I've been falling asleep at precisely 7 am in the morning.

I cannot seem to sleep at the usual time. I try, but I toss and turn to no end.

My body is only reacting now, and I can feel how my age is affecting me. Where do I go from here? I totally insist that I am not bordering on mental issues. Although, I must honestly say, the emotional instability present in my family's genes has come out to materialize in me.

Ugh.

Take me out of this abyss, help me find my solace.

At this point, I'm searching for answers, and I know He plans to give them at a later time than I wished for.

....

Blood is thicker than water.

2008-10-20T03:24:00.000+08:00

We all go through our familial problems every now and then. Questions that start with the, "4 w's and h," are often heard of during these times.

Sometimes, I just want to roar like the lioness that I am and make them stop. Who am I kidding? My family won't listen to me.

Case in point, my cousin. Now I love her to pieces, she's like a sister to me. However, as the years went by, along with the years of playing, "Tatay, Nanay, gusto ko ng tinapay..." Our relationship has slowly found it's way under the icy waters of the arctic deep. Don't get me wrong, I haven't done anything at all. In fact, I was the one who pushed her to be more of an extrovert, rather than an introvert. Gone were the days when she'd insist I should hang out with her friends, who became my closest friends in the process and was with them 24/7. Nowadays, I'd just find out that these friends hung out, and would ask why I wasn't there. Well, the cousin intentionally didn't tell me. So I just sit there dumbfounded, and puzzled how this happened. It takes a lot of effort to talk to her, let her know what's new with my life, and ask her about hers. Usually, it's just one word answer, that totally defeats the purpose. Makes me wonder, where did this come from? I'd rather not confront her, because, I'm just really tired with all of this.

Another is my aunt. Now, I'm absolutely clueless as to why she puts out all of her past-teenage-angst-of-yesteryears on me. She's sour-graping on how my grandparents treated her, treated my aunt and my mom. Take note, she says, that she wasn't really looked at with favor. I get that it happens to the most perfect of families, but seriously, put it all out on your niece? I get that she has to be responsible for me, or she needs to look out for me, but insult me and laugh about me in public. One more time for the dumbfounded and dumbstruck lioness.

Argh.

I wish I could go on and on, but time's running out. So many errands, and yet so little time for them to be done.

The Lioness can't escape.

2008-10-20T02:22:00.001+08:00

Once again, I'm back to my old roots.

I've blogged here, there and everywhere, ever since I was the tender age of 17. Of course I won't tell you how old I am. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Feel free to guess, but I assure you, I will never tell.

I choose to hide under a pseudonym--for it entails a more mysterious way for people getting into my brain. Tired of the all, "She said what?" or, "She talked about who?" and the never ending question, "Why do you have to talk about us?" Believe me, I'm no gossip girl, and I choose to just write about my thoughts.

I may commit grammar errors, feel free to correct me. If I do so, then I am sorry. I often undergo selective amnesia, and tend to mix my idioms, words and so on. What an abomination, others may say. To that, I simply greet them with a sweet roar, and tell them to go f*ck off and find other blogs to read.:)

For those who I dearly love and trust, they know who the lioness is. Don't try to ask, because it simply won't help. Their trust goes along the lines of friendship, and it has been ever present since the day we were friends.

Why Lioness? A lioness stands by her man, abhors the idea of having to share the Pride with others, and just cannot do anything about it. Well, it's like asking why Muslims must have more than one wife. I assure you, I'm not Muslim. Har har har. A lioness must run in packs, for it eases her soul. She must have a family and cubs to care for her own. A lioness fits the idiom, "Behind every powerful man is a strong woman."

Now, I bid a hello to all of you and hopes that somehow, somewhere, you will find the time to read and share what you think.:)